By Drs. Ron and Cicely Woodard
It would be absurd to think that a happy marriage is one where both parties agree on everything. Honestly, this isn’t realistic. You can expect to have disagreements and disputes from time to time. Here are a few tips to help bring harmony and manage discord in your marriage:
Transparent Communication
Couples need to communicate often about their preferences, values, beliefs, etc. Be honest about what you like or dislike and provide a rationale as to why. Helping the other party understand where you stand or why you feel the way you do about an issue is invaluable. They may not agree, but at least they will have an understanding from your perspective. Even if the truth will hurt, couples cannot shy away from having difficult conversations. Always speak the truth in love.
Never Argue! Engage in Respectful Dialogue
I would advise couples to never get into loud arguments where you yell at each other. This is really harmful and unproductive. It also builds resentment and hostility. Discourse in a marriage has its place and can be healthy, so don’t avoid it. However, couples who disagree should clearly articulate how they feel and express their opinions and points of view in a respectful tone. When one spouse yells at the other spouse, it automatically puts them on the defensive and makes it really hard for the other person to genuinely listen for understanding. Raised voices and harsh undertones create resentment and can lead to unforgiveness. Loud, contentious arguments are often root causes in situations that lead to domestic violence incidents. It is perfectly fine to have passionate discussions about issues that you both disagree about, but never yell or scream at each other–especially in front of the children. Have your discussions privately. Children can be traumatized by seeing their parents fight with each other. In some instances, this may also make them feel like they need to choose a side. It would also be wise to avoid using profanity and name-calling as well.
Compromise
Finding common ground and meeting in the middle is a great way to resolve conflict. At least both parties walk away feeling some relief in that they each got a little bit of what they wanted. At the end of the day, a healthy marriage relies on “give and take.”
Above all you must protect your peace. Your home should be a place that you look forward to coming to, not a place that you dread due to conflict. Remember: A home without peace is like a storm without end — restless, exhausting, and unable to nurture the hearts within it.
Dr. Ron Woodard and Dr. Cicely Woodard are authors of Keeping the Stars Aligned: A Christian Couple’s Guide to Raising Morale in Relationships (2014).
