By: UniteNews Staff
She kept thinking about it long after he dropped her off.
He wasn’t “bad” on paper. Folks in her circle probably would’ve said, “Girl, he got a good job, he treats you nice, what more you want?” But there’s a kind of quiet confusion that shows up in relationships when everything looks right on the outside and still feels off on the inside. She couldn’t name it yet, but she felt it—that tug in her spirit asking, Is this love, or am I just getting used to something that’s not good for me?
That question is where this conversation begins.
Welcome to this relationship series, where we slow things down and talk about something many of us were never really taught growing up: how to choose a partner with wisdom, clarity, and self-respect. Not just with emotion. Not just with chemistry. But with discernment.
This first session introduces a program with two names. The more formal name is the P.I.C.K. a Partner Program. P.I.C.K. stands for Premarital Interpersonal Choices & Knowledge—basically, learning how the choices you make in dating shape the life you build in marriage.
But let’s be real… in everyday language, you might hear it called something else: How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk.
And right away, we’ve got to make something clear. This isn’t about pointing fingers or acting holier-than-thou. This is what I’d call an “equal opportunity conversation.” Men can show up with unhealthy patterns. Women can too. That’s why some folks use the word “jerk” or “jerkette”—not to insult people, but to name behaviors that create real struggle in relationships when they go unchecked.
Because truthfully, all of us have moments where we fall short. All of us can act selfish, defensive, or immature sometimes. But there’s a difference between a moment of weakness and a pattern of character.
At the heart of P.I.C.K. are two big ideas. First, there are five key areas to pay attention to when you’re dating—areas that quietly reveal what life will feel like after “I do.” Second, there’s something called the Relationship Attachment Model, or R.A.M., which helps explain how emotional bonds form, deepen, and sometimes trap us when we’re not paying attention.
But this series isn’t just about avoiding the wrong person. It’s about learning how to see clearly while your heart is still getting involved.
Because love can be powerful… but it can also be blinding when we don’t have the right tools.
One of the first things we have to understand is this: not every “jerk” is a permanent identity, but there are patterns that make relationships hard to sustain.
One of those patterns is a lack of self-awareness. That’s when a person really doesn’t see how they come across to others. Conversations with them often circle right back to them—what they feel, what they need, what they think you meant—even when you’re trying to express your own heart. Over time, that kind of dynamic can leave a person feeling unseen and unheard. And let’s be honest, nobody thrives where they don’t feel emotionally acknowledged.
Another pattern is emotional instability. Some people are all over the place emotionally—real high one minute, real low the next. Others are shut down completely, like nothing ever touches them. Either extreme can make a relationship feel unsafe. You end up walking on eggshells or feeling like you’re alone even when you’re sitting right next to somebody. In our community, we might say, “It’s too much drama,” but underneath that is often emotional immaturity that hasn’t been dealt with yet.
Then there’s something we don’t talk about enough: basic relationship skills. Can this person apologize without turning it into an argument? Can they sit in a hard conversation without running from it or flipping it back on you? Can they work through conflict instead of just surviving it?
Because here’s a real truth—dating doesn’t always show you everything. People are often on their best behavior in the beginning. That honeymoon phase can make red flags look like personality quirks, and sometimes we confuse intensity with intimacy. And in some cases, deeper family wounds, unresolved pain, or learned behaviors don’t even show up until much later in the relationship when roles shift and life gets real.
That’s why discernment matters.
And in a faith-centered sense, this is where wisdom becomes more than emotion. Proverbs talks about wisdom as something that “cries out in the streets,” meaning it’s available if we’re willing to listen. Sometimes wisdom sounds like peace. Sometimes it sounds like discomfort you can’t ignore. Either way, it’s trying to guide us.
So let’s bring it down to the real question this series keeps asking us to sit with: not just “Do I like this person?” but “Do we actually have the tools to build something healthy together?”
As we move forward, we’re going to dig deeper into how attachment forms, how patterns reveal themselves over time, and how to recognize the difference between someone who is simply imperfect… and someone who is unwilling to grow.
Because at the end of the day, this isn’t just about avoiding heartbreak. It’s about learning how to choose peace, stability, and love that doesn’t require you to lose yourself in the process.
