We all have that bad habit we just can’t shake, from sneaking a cigarette even though you quit smoking 20 years ago, to eating your feelings in a bowl of ice cream at 11 p.m. But what if you don’t know how to break bad habits? Some experts point to habit replacement, rather than elimination, as a more doable strategy for change. After all, not only are we creatures of habit, but we aren’t the best at resisting temptation, in many forms.
Research supports the idea that when something is off limits, we are actually more attracted to it. A 2022 study found that suppressing or inhibiting bad habits actually strengthens them instead of minimizing them.
Another 2022 YouGov survey found that Americans do have some success at kicking bad habits to the curb. Researchers found 63% of those surveyed stated that they used to have a habit of drinking alcohol, but now they no longer drink. Other “bad habits” on the list include lying, overexercising and chewing loudly. In contrast, 78% of those surveyed admitted they had the bad habit of using their screens before bed—and they still currently do.
Your own grandparents or parents might have told you just how many days it takes to make a new, good habit, or to change an old one. But, nobody agrees on that number, and habit and happiness expert and author Gretchen Rubin says it really depends on the individual. Some say it takes 30 days, some say it takes many months, but a 2019 survey found that it takes an average of 66 days to change a habit.
Rubin’s work is also frequently listed among other books like Atomic Habits by James Clear in recommended lists of expert research on habits. She authored The Happiness Project and more recently Better Than Before, and she says that people can typically be categorized into four types or “tendencies.” Knowing your tendency (you can take Rubin’s online quiz to find out) is essential for learning how to break your own habits. Her 10-minute quiz results in identifiers: questioner, rebel, obliger or upholder.
Here’s what Rubin, and other experts, want you to know about habit swapping.
Steps to implement habit replacement
Vipul Jain, founder and CEO of Red Tulip Media in New York, says he struggled with screen time.
“I struggled with excessive screen time. Initially, I tried to cut back my phone usage drastically, but I found myself constantly reaching out for it as a habit. It was like trying to dam a river with my willpower alone,” he says. “Realizing that cold turkey was not working for me, I decided to replace the mindless scrolling with more productive activities. I started a reading challenge and committed to at least 30 minutes of reading every day.” While Jain found it didn’t completely eliminate his phone use, it significantly reduced it and provided a much-needed mental break. “Replacing one habit with another is a gradual process, but it has helped me regain control of my time.”
He adds that it took about two months and still necessitated some serious willpower to not reach for his phone. “I found myself setting timers to stay focused on reading. My mind usually wandered back to scrolling, but with consistent efforts, the distractions gradually finished. It wasn’t until the third month that reading started to feel more natural and enjoyable,” Jain says.
1. Prioritize your habits
It’s easy to say just start with your highest priorities, but sometimes people aren’t sure what those are, or how their current practices break down into smaller habits. So, Rubin recommends prioritizing the thing behind most peoples’ ultimate happiness—strong relationships—which both “ancient philosophers and contemporary scientists agree” that if you had to pick one element for a happy life, it’s that.
“We need to have strong, enduring relationships, and so anything that tends to deepen relationships or broaden relationships is something that is very likely to make you happier. So in the world of habits, you might say, I’m going to get in the habit of always responding quickly when my sweetheart sends me a text, or I’m going to start a book group with my five good friends so I know we see each other once a month,” Rubin says. “Or… instead of trying and failing to go for a walk every morning by myself, I have this acquaintance who I know also wants to go for a walk. Like, let’s set it up, and we’ll go five days a week together, and then I’ll make a new friend, as well as getting exercise and accountability if I need it.”
You can also start by reframing your “bad habits” by flipping them into good habits, she explains. “So I want to stop staying up so late becomes: I want to go to bed earlier,” she says. “Or, you know, I want to stop procrastinating on my Ph.D. becomes: I want to work more consistently.”
2. Play on your sensory experience
Rubin asserts that knowing which of the four tendencies you are most like will equip you with knowledge to handle your own habit breaking process. In addition, paying close attention to the sensory experience of your new habit can help. “A great example of habit replacement would be when someone trying to stop drinking Chardonnay in the evenings uses the same beautiful wine glass, filling it with their favorite flavor of sparkling water,” says Susan Trumpler, personal coach and founder of Unstoppable Women in Business and the She Boss Café, a consulting business, in Raleigh, North Carolina. “The habit of preparing your beverage, seeing the same glass with an eye-appealing frost on the outside, and enjoying a cold drink ticks off most of the deeply satisfying behaviors your system is looking for. The fact that it is sparkling water rather than Chardonnay becomes almost inconsequential.”
3. Choose something small first
“Also, a habit replacement needs to fit into a similar set of logistics as the bad habit. If you tell me you’re going to quit stress eating by working out every time you want to stress eat, I’m going to say that’s not a good fit,” says Bonnie Scott, therapist and founder of Mindful Kindness Counseling in San Antonio. “Our brains like habits that are easy or autopilot. If you want to stop stress eating, choose something with a similar level of effort to try as a replacement, like washing your hands or playing with a pet. The habit replacement needs to feel pleasant; if we feel like it’s a huge chore or makes us miserable, we are definitely going to avoid it.”
4. Create a “why” for habit replacement
When temptations get tougher, your “why” might spare you from caving in and lead you to success. “You first have to start with your why. Once you figure out why you want this habit, it will give guidance to what you are working toward and give that habit meaning,” Amanda Sauceda, registered dietitian, gut health specialist and founder of The Mindful Gut in Long Beach, California, says. “Because if you aren’t excited about changing your habits or don’t understand the point, then you’re going to revert back to what you know.”
5. Repeat your new habit
The subconscious mind loves repetition, so your second micro habit could be listening to a short hypnosis audio for money mindset, says Kristin Hope, money mindset and financial coach from Dallas. “Your first one is addressing your feelings head on in case you missed that! Next up, you can spend five to 10 minutes every day learning about the stock market. There are blog posts, podcasts, TikToks, YouTube videos, books, any way you prefer to consume content, the information is likely out there waiting for you.”
Finally, all our experts beg you to give yourself one thing—and it’s not late night ice cream. Rather, show yourself some grace as you change a habit. You might mess up, but don’t we all? Get back to it.
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