Ever wonder why you prefer to stay at home cozying up with a good book while others are enjoying a lively night out on the town? You may be an introvert and/or highly sensitive. More than half of the United States population is introverted and about 30% of the global population are more sensitive than average.
While introversion involves one’s orientation toward people, sensitivity is about how someone relates to their environment, according to Andre Sólo, co-creator of Sensitive Refuge and co-author of Sensitive: The Hidden Power of the Highly Sensitive Person in a Loud, Fast,Too-Much World. Highly sensitive individuals pick up more information from their surroundings, both emotionally and physically. They will more easily feel other people’s emotions and get overstimulated in a loud and chaotic environment. Those who are introverted and sensitive tend to do better with fewer people and a lot of alone time.
While having these traits can be beneficial, like being creative and empathetic, being introverted or highly sensitive can be challenging when it comes to friendship. For those who have one or both of these characteristics and struggle to connect with others, it is helpful to understand the best ways to make friends and nurture those relationships in a safe, comfortable way—while still being able to recharge with plenty of alone time.
What being an introvert or a highly sensitive person means when it comes to friendship
It’s important to understand that being an introvert or sensitive person is considered healthy and normal according to psychologists, and it’s not something you can change. “The most powerful thing you can do for yourself is not just to accept that you’re sensitive or that you’re an introvert, but to really embrace it,” encourages Sólo. “It’s a very hard life if you’re trying to downplay an inherent part of your personality.”
However, craving alone time can conflict with the crux of friendship—spending time with others. According to Danielle Bayard Jackson, friendship expert, certified women’s coach, host of Friend Forward podcast, and author of Fighting for Our Friendships: The Science and Art of Conflict and Connection in Women’s Relationships, there is research that suggests it takes about 34 hours to move someone from an acquaintance to a friend. “It requires intentionality. It requires people to muster a certain amount of courage to figure out how to clock more hours with the people who are most interesting,” she explains.
It’s simple. If you want to make friends, you can’t escape putting in the time. So, how do you do that?
How to socialize and make friends when you wish you were at home
Socializing is good for our health and happiness. The Harvard Study of Adult Development, the longest study on human flourishing, found a strong correlation between deep relationships and well-being. Relationships need to be nurtured over time, which means we have to make the effort and get out of the house once in a while.
Here are six helpful ways to connect with like-minded people and make friends over time.
1. Choose people and places wisely
“You need to really be mindful of who you’re spending time with and the duration of the time you spend together,” advises Jackson. It’s OK to leave a party early or opt to meet for coffee versus a three-hour brunch. “If it feels like something that’s exhausting to do, it might not be a great social backdrop for you to connect and get to know each other better.”
Sólo suggests that highly sensitive people try to find other sensitive people to befriend. You can often easily spot them; look for those who ask introspective questions at a meeting or always wear earbuds when they’re out for a walk. Another great way to find the right people and make friends is to follow your passions, since highly sensitive people have strong, deep emotions compared to others. “That sense of passion can often pull people together,” he says.
2. Take initiative to maintain control
“It’s counterintuitive, but start making more plans with friends,” says Sólo. This doesn’t mean you have to go out more, but inviting people for activities you enjoy helps keep you in control of the environment and length of the gathering. This can help you maintain your energy while socializing. Plus, you are showing others you care and are interested in spending time with them.
3. Turn what you already love into a social opportunity to make friends
The best news is, you can still do what you love when you are out socializing. Jackson suggests starting with something you do alone and trying to do it with others. “That’s a good way to position yourself to invite new connections into your life,” she says. Do you love to paint? Take a painting class or join a plein air painting group. Do you love to read? Join a book club or simply go to a coffee shop or library to read and strike up a conversation with others reading similar books.
4. Sign up for recurring gatherings
Both Jackson and Sólo recommend choosing activities that meet regularly. “Consistency is a key ingredient of friend making,” says Jackson. “This allows you to do it without having to plan on your own. You know that with a certain rhythm, these people are coming together every single [week or] month. That way, it becomes easier to establish a relationship.”
Sign up for a fitness class, writing group, musical group, advocacy organization, community service activity, networking group, etc. Being around people with shared interests also makes it easier to connect.
5. Leverage technology
Don’t be embarrassed to leverage technology, says Jackson. Finding friends online is more popular than ever and is a resourceful way to make connections with others who have similar interests and are actively looking to make friends. Check out apps like Bumble for Friends, Yubo, and Hey! VINA.
6. Try a retreat specifically for your personality type
While most introverts and highly sensitive people would dread the idea of vacationing with a group, there are retreats specifically designed to address these concerns.
Melissa Renzi, a licensed social worker, certified trauma-informed yoga teacher, ecotherapy guide and community builder, organizes retreats around the world to bring highly sensitive people together as a refuge to embrace sensitivity, connect to community and harness their strengths.
“Not everyone wants to travel alone, but not everyone wants to be with others the whole time, so this opportunity allows a mix of both,” explains Renzi. “You can participate in your own way and are not forced to be there the whole time.” The schedule allows for plenty of downtime, while also providing a calm and welcoming space for people to connect with others one-on-one. She even provides a silent gathering area, what she refers to as “introverting together.”
Denise Lantz has attended several of Melissa’s retreats. As an introvert and highly sensing person, she craves tons of alone time and has always had trouble maintaining friendships with other women. She forced herself out of her comfort zone to attend her first retreat, and she is so grateful she did.
“It was the softest, most wonderful experience ever to be around people that were so loving and open, but not in your face,” says Lantz. “It really opened up my heart to who I was inside. It’s so safe to be yourself. You talk to others, and then you find so many similarities and connections, and those [friendships] have been lifelong. I’m so glad I found Melissa. She changed my life.”
5 tips for nurturing friendships when you like to be alone a lot
Now that you’ve met some people you enjoy spending time with, here are five tips on deepening those relationships to make them more meaningful:
First, connect with how you feel and what you need.
“I think it’s important to be really attuned to how you feel before, during and after interactions and seeing how much of it is about socializing in general, and how much is about the person,” advises Jackson. Make sure you’re engaging with people and investing in those who show an interest in you and make you feel happy and comfortable.
Next, be honest with others up front.
Have the confidence to share your tendencies with new friends. “Tell people what feels good to you, so that they have that data, because the right people want [to know] how to love you well,” notes Jackson. However, she advises against announcing to others how much you enjoy being alone if your goal is to make friends or deepen friendships.
Set clear boundaries.
Learning to say no and setting boundaries for yourself is key, says Sólo. It’s OK to explain to others that you’ve had too much and need a break or to head home. Just let them know you are at your bandwidth and don’t have the energy to engage right now.
Make healthy compromises.
Remember that you have room to negotiate in a friendship without needing to apologize. For example, get creative about how you spend time with others, because the right people will want to meet you where you are. Jackson suggests, “We have to rethink what time together looks like. No one says it has to be a four-day trip to the Bahamas or a three-hour house party.”
Finally, know when to walk away.
It’s important to recognize when a friendship becomes unhealthy. Sólo says to watch out for people who might be belittling you in a joking way or who either consciously or unconsciously have picked up on the fact that you’re more sensitive and they abuse that in some way. “And people who don’t respect your boundaries. It’s a very dangerous thing to have someone who is just a taker or a high conflict person in your friend group,” he says.
Photo courtesy of Xavier Lorenzo/Shutterstock
