By Drs. Ron and Cicely Woodard
As we prepare to take our oldest son back to Morehouse College for his second year, I have been reflecting on the impact that college has had on him as a person. After just nine months on a college campus, Jonathan came back with many new characteristics. He returned with a new independence, a renewed sense of gratitude, and of course lots of new knowledge. He spent his first year of college learning how to cohabitate with a roommate in a tiny dorm room, determining when and what to eat for meals, and managing his time between going to class, studying, exercising, and having fun with new friends.Just like being away at school rendered a new Jonathan, getting married can bring about changes in ourselves and our spouses. None of us are expected to remain the same throughout the years. In marriage, we experience moves from one place to another, changes in jobs, deaths, births, and countless changes in feelings, emotions and physical bodies. Yet, how do we remain committed to each other even through all of life’s changes?Dr. Paul Amato and Spencer James (Brigham Young University) found in their study “Changes in Spousal Relationships Over the Marital Life Course” that long-term marriages tend to improve over time, with happiness and shared activities increasing and discord decreasing, especially after 20 years. They concluded that about half of marriages last a lifetime, and for most, the long-term outlook is positive. Their research shows that remaining married even through all of life’s changes often leads to positive results. Let’s consider some tips for how to stay committed to healthy marriages even when life changes and how that commitment improves relationships over time.
- Spend intentional time together. This may be harder during the early years when spouses are busy with careers and meeting the needs of young children. Amato and James found that couples increased sharing activities such as meals, recreation, and social activities over time. This made for strengthening lasting connections. Staying committed for the long-haul requires being intentional about spending time together even in the early years of the relationship.
- Prioritize communication and forgiveness. Amato and James found that discord declines over the long term in marriages. This suggests that couples who stay together longer learn better strategies for managing conflict with each other.
- Show appreciation and maintain intimacy. Their study also showed that happiness dipped slightly in the early years but rose again for longtime couples. Couples who express gratitude and nurture closeness can help to cultivate lasting bonds with each other.
- Support each other’s growth. Everyone deserves to grow and change without judgement throughout the years. As couples move through different life stages, encouraging each other and remaining flexible can help sustain connection.
- Seek help when needed. Amato and James determined that about half of marriages last a lifetime. Couples can increase those chances of enduring for the long-haul by engaging in therapy and other helpful resources especially during challenging times.
Change is inevitable, and with all of life’s changes we can still remain committed to healthy, long-lasting marriage relationships.
