Alright, good people, we’re back for another round of Surviving Trump, our regular column where we try our very best to keep up with the weekly, daily, hourly, hell, minute-ly shenanigans of President Donald Trump, who doesn’t take a day off from being a ridiculous human being and comically absurd excuse for a world leader, meaning we don’t get a break from the tedious task of telling you about it all.
Let’s get into it…
Trump Really Was There On 9/11…He Swears!
During our first installment of the Surviving Trump series, we reported that y’all’s president waddled himself onto a stage near the White House and told a fantastical 9/11 story about how “two firemen” lifted him up to help him escape a building they thought was “coming down,” while he was helping out with recovery efforts, which, according to fact-checkers across media, he most likely never did. But, as you all know, Trump doesn’t let the truth get in the way of a good story — or a stupid-ass story that he thinks is good, while it’s obvious to everyone who makes it a point to bathe daily that he’s lying.
“And I’ll never forget two firemen. We thought it was coming down on top of us, and two firemen, big, strong guys — and I’m not the smallest guy in the world — they grabbed me under the arm, said, ‘Got to get out of here!’ And they literally lifted me up. This is not easy to do. I’m big. They lifted me up, and they started running with me. I said, ‘Fellas, I can run myself,’ but they were amazing. But they thought it was coming down. It didn’t come down,” Trump claimed.
Of course, the internet did exactly what we all knew it would and read the president for filth over his sad attempt at stolen 9/11 valor.
In fact, Trump got plenty of criticism across the media, prompting him to take to his social media platform and word-vomit an entire anti-dissertation about how he was there and the big, mean media is lying on him.
“The Failing New York Magazine wrote a story that I wasn’t down at the World Trade Center after the Tragedy of September 11th, because nobody saw me there. Well, I don’t think I would be the first thing on anyone’s mind but, I was there, obviously not on the same day as the collapse, but shortly thereafter, with a large group of Construction Workers,” Trump wrote in a lengthy post that included video footage of him on-site days after the attack, telling the same story about how he had more than 100 construction workers helping with the cleanup and recovery.
So, Trump has been telling this story about how he put construction boots on the ground in the aftermath of 9/11 for a while. Gee, I wonder what people who do research and know how to look things up think.
From PBS News:
The native New Yorker has told a shorter version of that story before. There are supporting accounts that a fear of the building collapsing prompted evacuations, though none specifically say Trump was there. A history page on the Federal Reserve Bank of New York’s website says employees were forced to leave the Fed building Sept. 12 because of concerns that the nearby One Liberty Plaza might collapse.
Trump has long talked about his 9/11 response, saying he spent a lot of time at Ground Zero and brought hundreds of workers to aid in the recovery effort. Trump did multiple interviews near the site on Sept. 13, and said at the time he had brought construction workers to help out.
PolitiFact previously found no evidence that Trump brought hundreds of workers to the site, and other fact-checkers have similarly found the evidence lacking. Trump World Tower was under development in 2001 in Midtown Manhattan, about 5 miles from the World Trade Center.
You know what? I don’t mean to alarm anyone, but I’m really starting to suspect our brave president is what the great orator and philosopher Katt Williams once referred to as a “fat Faizon liar.”
Or whatever, maybe he was there. Not all heroes wear diapers, after all.
Trump-is-a-losa…Or Whatever His Midterm Event Is Called
While many Republicans want Trump to go find himself a golf cart in a dark corner to sit in during the last leg of campaign events leading up to the midterm elections, the RNC had scheduled a Trump-studded two-day event in Dallas that began Wednesday night, affectionately referred to as “Trumpapalooza,” which I’m pretty sure is MAGA-ese for “we are desperate as hell because so many of our voters still love this stupid-ass idiot.”
And like all Trump-related events as of late, “Trumpapalooza” was reportedly shaping up to be a train wreck of poor planning, weird logistics, and the possibility of empty seats, as it was expected that many Republicans wouldn’t show up.
On Wednesday, a reporter asked Trump a reasonable question about Republicans planning to skip the event, and the president responded the way he always does whenever he gets even slightly irritated at a question he doesn’t like, even when it’s not a particularly controversial one: by arbitrarily attacking the reporter and their network before answering the should-have-been-simple-ass question.
“Everybody’s coming to the convention. Everybody wants to come, but we only want — by the way, we’re going to be sold out tonight, just so you understand,” Trump said before asking the reporter, “Who are you with?” to which she responded, “ABC News.”
“ABC fake News, one of the worst — you are the worst of all, in my opinion,” Trump said before answering the question. “The reason that some people are not coming is because we don’t have room for 500 politicians. We have room for the ones who have a close race — if they’re slightly behind or slightly ahead or tied — but we don’t have room for people who are 35 points up and don’t need to be there.”
Now, was that so hard?
Isn’t it illegal to bribe voters?
Anyway, the biggest news to come out of that desperate shindig is the most unpopular president of our lifetimes becoming the first president in history to try bribing the American people to vote Republican, claiming he’ll give every adult U.S. citizen five racks.
“If the Republicans win, you win with us, and you get $5,000. It will be called the Trump dividend,” Trump said, offering a familiar promise that he has welched on in the past. “Now all we have to do is win.”
So, that was his plan all along: tank the economy so everyone’s broke, then offer all the broke people money to keep the people in office who helped him tank the economy.
And for the record, there are roughly 270 million adults in the U.S. Yeah — go ahead and do that math, and ask yourself if you should count on that money.
Trump Bans Imports Of Canadian Goods, Because…Hell, IDK
According to CNBC, Trump signed another executive order on Tuesday, this time banning a slew of products from Canada, including motorbikes, molasses, nonalcoholic beer, and alcoholic drinks including malt beer, wines, cider, whiskies, vodka, and other spirits. CNBC noted that the import restrictions, “which largely replace tariffs of 50%, are due to take effect on Sept. 29, 2026.”
Y’all — why is this fool like this?
All Trump’s trade wars with foreign nations, including our closest allies, have done is cause the prices of our goods to skyrocket, and force federal judges and justices to declare his tariffs unconstitutional, prompting importers to sue for refunds while the consumer gets nothing back after emptying their bank accounts at the checkout counter.
Well, at least he’s not doing the wayward tariff thing with Canada and doing this instead.
Oh, hell…
From CNBC:
The U.S. also announced that tariffs on other Canadian products would be modified and extended from Sept. 15, including the addition of all-terrain vehicles and animal hides, and the removal of rock salt and cement.
U.S. Trade Representative Jamieson Greer said the moves were a “natural consequence of Canada’s continued discriminatory treatment of crucial American exports.”
It was announced on the same day that Canadian tariffs on 27.6 billion Canadian dollars ($20 billion) of U.S. imports came into effect, targeting more than 700 goods across steel, dairy, farm equipment, pulp and paper, electronics, and more.
Those “dollar for dollar” tariffs were issued in retaliation for the 50% duties the U.S. slapped on Canadian hockey sticks, wine and a range of other goods over Ottawa’s alleged trade discrimination.
*sigh* Remember when Canada and the U.S. were close friends under literally every president over the last 100 years and change? Those were the days.
Trump Says The War In Iran Will End And The Gas Prices Will Fall… Right After The Midterms
According to the Washington Post, the Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps (IRGC) targeted the U.S. air base of Al-Azraq overnight, and Trump responded by suggesting the nation was trying to influence the midterms by attacking the U.S. during the ongoing war that he started.
During the same Wednesday interview in which Trump berated the ABC reporter for no discernible reason, Trump claimed the 7-month war he said would be over in days back in February would be over for real this time after the midterms.
“The war will end immediately after the election because they can’t hold out any longer; they’re desperate to try and affect the election,” he told reporters at Joint Base Andrews. “Shortly, but right after the election, because they’d like to have it that way — but right after the election, oil prices are going to be tumbling downward.”
“They can’t hold out any longer,” he said of Iran. “They’re desperate to try and affect the election so that we can get a nice, weak group of people in there and leave them alone and let them have their nuclear weapons.”
This man really thinks the Iranian government has the U.S. midterm elections in mind when it decided to launch missiles at U.S. forces, which it did after U.S. forces hit five Iranian tanker ships on Tuesday, according to the Post. I would ask if the Iran Trump is talking about is in the room with us, but at this point — was there ever even a room?
And if Trump wasn’t already being delusional enough, he claimed gas would drop below $2 a gallon after the midterms. The planet he lives on hasn’t been discovered yet, I swear.
Welp, until next time, good people.
SEE ALSO:
Trump Admin Wants To Eliminate Race From US Census [Op-Ed]
Language Critical Of Arlington Cemetary Confederate Memorial Removed
